There’s a pain you feel when someone unfollows you on Twitter.
Like a breaking up pain.
A quiet dumping.
We all feel it. It’s like that song Everybody Hurts by REM.
Play that in your mind while you read this.
If you’ve just been unfollowed by someone and you’re hurting, I’ll pilot you through the five stages of your hilarious pain.
Months ago, Melrose Place’s Lisa Rinna began following me.
Tremendous news, indeed.
When this occurred I went to brag to hundreds of my friends.
Fine. Just my mom.
What Reena? Is that your girlfriend? Where did she follow you to? Our house?
This is why I don’t tell my mom anything anymore.
I was very excited to send my first tweet that Lisa Rinna would surely see.
Moments after, I refreshed Lisa Rinna’s page.
I was unfollowed.
After one tweet.
This discovery made me realize something. Even in 140 characters or less, Lisa Rinna can’t stand me.
Evan Williams, CEO of Twitter also tasted the twitter goods and decided it wasn’t for him.
I know this because I would refresh Evan Williams page each day to make sure he was still following me.
You probably shouldn’t have said that.
That’s where I am emotionally.
One day I realized EW wasn’t following me anymore. But you know what I did in my mind?
I pretended he still was.
You probably shouldn’t have said that either.
If I don’t believe it happened, it didn’t happen.
3. The Passive-Aggressive Desperate Plea To Be Refollowed Veiled Under A Thin Cloak Of Sarcasm.
Hey, why the unfollow? Did I hit a nerve with my last tweet lol.
I’ve done this too.
The horrible “lol” at the end just makes it worse.
4. Devastating Insecurity.
People on Twitter all share a common bond.
We’re all insecure messes.
It’s because we’ve been unfollowed. It makes us unsure.
Hey guys, sorry I tweet too much!
Hey guys, sorry if you’re offended by this Tremendous News article. He’s such a pig.
We disclaim everything.
And after you’ve been unfollowed, you start to question what you tweet.
Should I tweet the link to Read Write Web or the link to Mashable? Fuck. I can’t make another mistake.
You become just a hollow shell of your nerdy self.
Finally, after some time repairing your emoticons, you realize you don’t give a shit.
You were unfollowed.
You’ll be unfollowed again.
But there’s always new people who will buy into you. Who will want to discover your electrical body.
It’s like a train. People will get off, people will get on. But you just have to keep moving forward.
Keep tweeting Tremendous News articles.
There you have it. The five stages of pain after being unfollowed. Send this to anyone who is coping with the hurt.
Or, unfollow someone and then send this article to them.
I can take a quiet dumping.