Dear Celebrity on Twitter,
If you’re reading this letter, it’s because someone tweeted it to you.
They probably added ‘LOLZ’ or a horrible smiley face and made a comment like just givin’ it a shot. Who knows!, then acted like they didn’t care if you read this.
They do care if you read this.
And they apologize for the lolz.
The person that sent you this link is a regular guy or girl. They’re not in movies or TV shows. They can’t sing worth shit. And if you put them on stage in a tight little outfit, thousands of people will flee the arena.
They’re the salt of the nerdy earth.
And they’re following you.
They’re following you because you bring something to their lives. You brighten their day. They want to read about your trips to Starbucks and who you’re totally making out with on the set of your movie.
But they’ll also insult you. They have to. It’s not cool to their regular friends to suck up to a celebrity on Twitter. No, they have to fake that you guys are vapid and useless. Kim Kardashian just tweeted about the oil spill. Oh thanks Kim. Because that’s what we want. Your complex angle.
Inside, they want Kim Kardashian’s complex angle.
They want her angles bad.
The people following you are interesting people. They have their own little nooks and crannies and tidbits and…
I have no idea.
But I’m sure they’re up to something fun. They’re fathers, mothers, professionals, students, clown cops.
I added clown cops because I need to believe that a clown cop is out there. You know. An actual clown who arrests people for violent crimes. Squirting burglars in the eye with seltzer while his bow-tie fan angrily spins.
They’re good people with something to say. And I think if you’ve gotten this far in the letter, you agree with me.
So follow them. Follow the person that sent this to you. Follow a handful of regular folks.
You won’t be disappointed.
Yours Always and Forever (even when you block and report me as spam)
PS. Let me know if you find any clown cops.
PS #2: Tweet this article to a celebrity.
PS #3: Except for maybe Kim Kardashian.