This is actually how creepy you are.

Right now, you probably think you’re normal.






I know you.  Beneath your cheery smile is dark nerdy evil.  And your satanic lord is Facebook.  Once you log on, you can’t resist yourself.  You stalk people.

Possibly while nude.

If you don’t believe me, read the signs below.  If you do any of these things, you have a problem.

1. You Know When People Use Facebook.

Your friend Sarah logs onto Facebook at around 9:30am.  Then again around 5pm.

How do you know this?  Because you’ve observed and recognized that she updates at these times.

That means, somewhere in your brain, you have registered Sarah’s Facebook Usage-Times, and forgot something else that was totally important.

Like your PIN.

Just use 123Boobs.

It’s worked for me since ‘98.

2. You Know You Weren’t Invited Somewhere Because You Saw The Pictures.

There’s nothing more painful than not being invited somewhere.


Not being invited somewhere, then being affronted with the pictures of people having a great time without you to ruin it for them.

That’s more painful.


These people are celebrating your powerful absence.

3. You Know Where People Work Without Even Asking Them.

Hey how’s the job at TD bank?

Did I tell you- I never told you I worked there.

Really?  Weird.  I wonder how I knew that.  And the fact that you had a company retreat last weekend in Muskoka.

Why are you nude right now?

Just because.

4. You Know Someone’s Not In A Relationship Anymore Because They Removed All Pictures Of Themselves With ‘Him’

Screw the relationship status, she removed all the pictures of her and that douchebag.


You don’t have to cut yourself anymo-

As much.


It could be you disappointing her in bed.

5. If Someone Quits Facebook, You Panic And Believe They Blocked You.

The instant you realize someone’s no longer your friend, you lose your shit.

Hi Samantha, I’m Dee.  You don’t really know me, but I added you through the “People You May Know Window” on Facebook because you looked hot.

Why are you at my work?

Did you block me on Facebook, Samantha?

How did you even pass security.

Because if you did, I’ll cut myself.

Why are you nude?

6. You’ve Been 50 Pictures In On An Album Of A Friend-of-A-Friend.

If you’re in an album for fifteen minutes and don’t know anyone in the pictures, congratulations!   You’ve reached the apex of creepynessdom.

7. You Poke Someone You Don’t Know That Well, Hoping It Will Lead to Intercourse.

Update: Samantha hasn’t poked me back yet.

8. Blocking You Only Makes You Stronger.

Putting you on Limited Profile is just another way of her saying she loves you.

9. You Admit To Being A Facebook Stalker, But Stop Short Of Admitting To How Alarming You Really Are.

It’s always hilarious to be at a party and say I don’t care, I’ll admit that I’m a Facebook stalker!

And then you giggle.  And other people giggle.

A lot of giggling.

But inside, deep inside, you don’t tell them the nights you’ve stalked them. The clothing they own that you’ve memorized.  The way you’ve judged their past lovers.  The pain of knowing you cannot stop.

The dark, horrible reality that you have a real problem.

But yeah.

Giggle some more.

That’ll cover it up.


If Neil Young ever does a social media version of The Needle and The Damage Done, you can finally relate.

10. You Actually Found This Article WHILE Stalking.

If you found this article posted on the Facebook wall of a person you’re stalking, holy crap!

You can see the matrix.